Suze Says: 5 Things To Do With Your $$$

I heart Suze.

Car Shock

Got a good ass-reaming tonight from my mother. Have been waiting for it, since she has been bizarrely kind to me ever since I moved back a month ago. I knew it wouldn't last long.

It was inevitably over the car. You see, I have been borrowing her car when I need it, which due to the restaurant schedule means that there are 3 convenient time slots (sarcastic face) throughout the day when I can take the car:

- 11:30am-2pm, when I drop her off and pick her up at the restaurant
- 2pm-6pm, when she is chillin at home
- 6pm-10pm, when I again, drop her off and pick her up at the restaurant

This usually works out fine, but tonight, she told me I needed to pick her up at 9:40pm cause she had to distribute Xmas gifts to employees, which were all in the car.

No problem.

I went over to Solmaz's for her Xmas Eve party. Always good food and fun dancing. At 9:30pm, I was getting ready to leave when I hear my phone ringing. I picked up:

Kayoko: "I'll be there in 5 minutes."
Hideko: "WTF have you been doing??? HURRY THE FUCK UP!!!"

Uh-oh.

I look down to see that I had missed 6 calls from her in the last 30 minutes. Not good.

Turns out that the restaurant closed early and everyone was waiting around for their goddamn presents. Oops.

So anyway, now my mom is furious with me on Xmas eve, which she will continue to be for at least the next 24 hours. She has a right to be angry with me, but whatever, that's not even my biggest problem. What this does mean is that I'm not gonna be able to borrow the car any more, and how the fuck am I going to get around this godforesaken suburb without a CAR???

I admit, I have been avoiding buying a car. It's just such a COMMITMENT, and there's a part of me deep, deep, deep down that is just taking this move to Cali as a long extended vacation instead of a serious life change.

Also, not having a car is a great reason not to have to leave the house. I have been a total hermit since coming here, and I will say that I have been enjoying it quite a bit.

You can't do anything here without a car, which has been the biggest culture shock for me since leaving NYC. Car culture is just so indulgent. I despise that you need a car to do anything here: to get to the train station, to buy a loaf of bread, to get to the gym (oh, the irony). Yesterday, my friend wanted to drive from one side of the parking lot to the other- it makes no sense!!!

Essentially in California, without a car, you are an incomplete person.

Clearly it's time for me to get serious about buying a car- it will make living here more of a reality instead of a temporary stay. And of course, it will be one less thing for me and my mother to fight about.

Don't forget that here, I'm 28 going on 15.

House Cleaning for the New Year

It's that time of the year- the end. Looking back, how was your 2008? What are some accomplishments that you're proud of? Anything you would have done differently? Ask yourself- did you have the kind of year you were hoping for on January 1, 2008?

My 2008 was not great, despite the fact that I had an awesome New Years Eve on the top of an office building overlooking Times Square (above pic!!!). What followed would become a year of mucho doubt and BIG! LIFE! DECISIONS!, which for better or for worst led me back to my hometown of Cupertino, California. Under my parent's roof, no less! That thought never crossed my mind when I was partying in Times Square, that's for sure. But it goes to show that in life, there really is no plan.

To prep for the new year, let's do some house cleaning: purge your closets (get rid of anything you haven't worn in a year), balance your checkbook, and think of 5 very specific goals for 2009. When I mean specific, I mean that if your goal is to save up money to take off to Peru to climb Machu Picchu, decide how you will save for it. Have HR take out $100 per paycheck? Only go out for dinner once a week? Create a budget and be specific.

Have any emotional regrets in the past year? If the answer is yes, now is the time to do some mental house cleaning. Whether it's with an ex, someone you were dating, your boss, a friend that you had a falling out with, or your irritating parents- make nice, be the bigger person and call or email them. It will make you feel better (or maybe worse, but at least you tried), and you can ring in the new year on a totally clean mental slate.

We're not getting younger. Speak up now- no regrets. There's nothing to lose. 2008 is going to be a thing of the past in just one week!

On the one hand, our economy is in the shithole, but on the other, Obama will be president starting January 20!!!!! 2009 is going to be a year of big changes amidst all the growing pains- there's definitely something in the air. I know I'm not alone here, many of my friends are definitely antsy for some major change in our own lives. Let's take advantage and do something totally crazy. Why not? I think it's a year of taking chances and pushing limits.

For me, I'm all about breaking patterns this year. Todo es possible.

I'm Coming Out

I checked off a box tonight that I have been avoiding forever: the "Relationship Status" box on Facebook. For whatever reason, I just never touched it- it just always seemed so cliche to me. Or maybe it's something I've been scared of admitting, who knows. I'll leave that up to my imaginary therapist to decide.

But Vanessa suggested that perhaps it's time to reveal to the world- which is to say the FB World- that I'm single, and (I deplore saying it, but...) ready to mingle. OMG is that not the most atrocious phrase ever?!?!

But wait- in FBLand, are you "Single," or "It's complicated?" The latter could be a downward spiral of any number of permutations in the matrix of singledom. Are you:

- Exploratory? (Single, but sleeping with multiple people).

- Vulnerable? (I broke-up with my bf/gf 2 months ago and still coping).

- In the Ex-Files? (I broke up with my bf/gf 2 months ago but we are still sleeping together).

- Confused? (I've been sleeping with someone for 6 months but (s)he won't take me out in public).

- LOST? (I've been in a relationship for 6 years, but I'm sleeping with my personal trainer). Heard that on the radio for real the other morning- drama!!!

The list goes on and on- if you think about it, the "It's complicated" box is kinda absurd. Nothing is NOT complicated in matters of love and dating, it seems, EVER. There should be no other options, whether you're married, in a relationship, single, or in an open relationship (how is that NOT complicated?).

It's all motherfucking complicated. Deal with it.

All I can say for myself, right now, at this moment, is that I am single. Is it complicated? Sometimes.

Interesting trend I just noticed: looking through my friends' profiles on Facebook, those who are single tend not list anything. However, most of my friends who are in relationships or married, are listed as so. Very few "It's complicated"s.

That's it- I'm OUT!



Sigh, that makes me miss NYC! I need to add that body suit into my closet of Makeout Man Jose clothes.

Carte Blanche Life

While I was out the other night in SF, this dude asked me, yelling over the music, "Why would you leave NY?" I get this a lot- people look at me really quizzically, like I've got shit all up in my teeth, when I tell them that I quit my great job, left my awesome Brooklyn studio, abandoned all my friends, to come back to Man Jose- without a job, into my parent's house.

Although the thought of moving back always loomed in the back of my mind, I still can't believe I actually did it- and for no plausible reason, at that. It took me a good 2 depressing years to get used to the big city- I made awesome friends; I got used to the freezing winters; I had a doctor, a gyno, and an acupuncturist; I knew which trains to take to get myself from the Bronx to the Lower East Side (D to the F); I figured out where to get the best pizza and soup dumplings and cupcakes. What more do you need?

But I guess it turns out that I need more. I was bored in my really fun, yet such-a-dead-end-low-paying job. Exhausted by all the parties and the shows and the going-outs that I couldn't even afford, but agreed to go anyway. NY has a way of making you feel like you're at the center of the world- but at the end it was only masking the fact that I was broke, and pretty misdirected.

Was this an easy decision? Hell no. Leaving NY meant I was leaving all my friends, my comfort zone. I had friends in the industry, people who I could call if I lost my job, who could help me get another. For the first time in my life, I even had a booty call.

So WHY did I decide to come back here? Because I could. I have no kids. No significant partner. No mortgage. I guess I felt that this was perhaps the last crazy thing I could do, the last leap of faith I could take, in order to possibly make my life better. Honestly, I don't even know what that means, to make my life better, and I certainly have no idea HOW I'm gonna do it. But I knew that my life was not really going anywhere in NY. When you realize something like that, you've gotta figure out how to change things, asap.

So why not move home??? There's a huge stigma against moving back to your hometown- I avoided it for 10 years out of the mere pleasure of telling people I lived far, far away. In the end, I think I moved back simply because it was exactly what I feared MOST. I figured I had nothing to lose, and I certainly am up for the challenge.

And in this economy- it's possibly the best decision I've ever made in my life. EVER. It's a carte blanche life, which is scary- I have no career network, and I certainly have no booty call. But it's a chance to totally reinvent myself, which is, at 28, so exciting.

Man Jose: Anywhere, USA

This picture was taken in which American city?
a) NYC
b) Vegas
c) Man Jose
d) Miami
e) All of the above


I went out the other night for the first time since moving back to the Bay Area. Solmaz dragged me to Santana Row in Man Jose, which is sort of a glorified strip mall filled with 5th Avenue-esque shops, restaurants and bars. We ended up at Sino, a Chinese "fusion" place, above. I suppose it's a good a place as any for my introductory course on the men of Man Jose.

I've been vehemently against going out in Santana Row- Solmaz thinks it's because I'm being pretentious, but it's just really meatmarket-ish and not my scene at all- there were lots of big boobs and guys with stiff hair. Funny thing: the second the guys walked in, they sized up every girl, one by one- especially the dudes with the wedding rings!!! What's up with that?

I had a tough time leaving NY for so long, simply out of fear that the Bay Area's fun factor wouldn't live up. There's such a premium on living in NY, but while I was out in Santana Row, I realized that we could have been anywhere in the US. The place reminded me of clubs I've been to in Vegas and NYC. The people could have been from Jersey- the guys in the button up shirt (3 buttons undone), frayed jeans and black shiny shoes; the girls in the brightly colored polyester tops, push-up bras and tight expensive jeans. Makeout Vegas clothes.

On Saturday night, I went out in San Francisco for my friend's bday. We went to this huge Stevie Wonder dance party- packed with hip, good looking people, all with the requisite cool haircut, the vest, the skinny jeans, the tattoos, the golf caps with the perfectly rounded bills. We could have just been on Ludlow in the Lower East Side, or Williamsburg, any night of the week.

So I ask you: could Man Jose be the next NYC?? Uhhh...

Is this a very generalized, shallow assessment? Maybe. But really, I'm not sure if location matters so much any more, especially in this internet age. Solmaz disagrees with me, but I'm starting to think that people are people everywhere- at least they all look the same.

And the clubs and bars where you go out, well, they're all the same too. I mean, how many times have you been in a bar that looks exactly like the picture above? It's just all so standardized now. I thought about this in Tokyo too- it's getting harder to find an authentic, unique experience anywhere in the world.

And what does this all mean for me, in terms of dating? It's too soon to tell, but I think it's time to invest in some Makeout Man Jose clothes, if you will.

The Ex Files

Alright, say it, I've been boring. I didn't write during my trip, and have written mediocre, filler entries since I've been back.

I need to stop being such a bore-a-thon. I mean, WHO CARES about pseudo-philosophical, overly sentimental musings about my digital self. We need to start talking about all the BOYS to date in Man Jose.

Um, I think I need to get dressed and get out of the house first. This morning, I went running at 8:30, came back at 9:15, and... I haven't left the house since.

I've been totally avoiding the outside world, this is true. Instead, I spend my days on the evil internet (death to Facebook), and my nights are in front of my parent's huge tv. I've watched:

- Scoop, by Woody Allen (funny!)
- Funny Girl, with Audrey Hepburn and Fred Astaire (I want to dance with Astaire!!!)
- Marie Antoinette, by Sophia Coppola (eh, eye candy)
- Ugly Betty, season 2 (excellent!!!)
- Mad Men, season 1 (feeling it out)
- 2 Days in Paris by Julie Delpy (believable, totally not cheesy- reminiscent of my last relationship)

Speaking of my last relationship, my exbf has been contacting me lately. Whenever he does this, I wonder what's really going on. Communication was never our strong point, but I'm guessing his love life isn't so hot right now. We all do that, don't we? Reach out to our exes when all current matters of the heart turn sour?

My good friend is sleeping with her exbf at the moment. The dude she dated 10 years ago! In high school!!!! And you know what? Good for her. It's not the ideal situation, but fuck it (get it? get it?), we do it cause it's comfortable. We do it cause DATING BLOWS.

Watch 2 Days in Paris. It will remind you that relationships can suck, but sometimes you should just stick with it cause the ex situation is no less complicated than being in the relationship (did that just make sense??).

Moral of the story: you're probably gonna end up screwing your ex again down the line at some point, so just save yourself the trauma of the breakup. Remember, the Ex Files never end. NEVER!!!

Horoscopes by Holiday

Here is my horoscope for today. Poignant.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20). You may be tired of making goals. You'll gain insight from taking a break from that whole process. Be like the earth — it keeps turning around, and there's no destination point. The moment is all that matters.

Wait, in this situation, am I Earth, or am I "no destination point"??? I wonder if Nina always lived in the moment. I think so.

Anything is Possible

The thing about unemployment is that there's a lot of time to think. And think. And think.

Right now, I'm thinking about connection. Physical. Chemical. Digital.

Can we still connect with our physical/ personal/ private selves, while being so overly connected with our screenselves?

Kayoko vs. Kayoko's profile vs. Kayoko the blogger.

I had sort of a breakdown in Japan, which was probably festering in me for a while in NYC- issues of over-information; image overload; mass consumerism.

These are things I have been thinking about, in my room, in this huge house, in Cupertino, and I have been unable to leave the house for longer than a few hours at a time. It's scary out there. But perhaps even more scary in here.

So much to do, yet nothing to do at all, actually. People getting things done, out there, across the street, across the way, across the world.

How does one person make an impact?

I'm preparing myself for something. Don't know what it is yet, but it might be pretty big. Who knows- anything is possible. But I've gotta get out of this house first.

Homecoming

Wow, did I totally let an entire month go by without writing? Shame on me!!! I thought about writing here- but nothing came to me. I spent most of November in Japan, and you know what? I wasn't funny in Japan. Not for an instant.

If I learned something about myself, it's that I need to be funny to write. A solid sense of humor is imperative to my writing, or just to my being in general. Japan zapped it from me. It was the hoards of people moving toward me, the obedient lines formed at the cash registers, the dominant voice recording of a probably pretty girl, in the otherwise silent trains.

In a country void of trash cans, I ask: How are you so clean?

It's all a haze to me, these past two months. New York, Tokyo, Kyoto, Osaka, back to NYC, and now here, in Cupertino, CA. FOREVER. Between the mountains, there's a blue sky and a blinding sun. I have not stayed here for longer than 10 days in over 10 years. Many things have changed, I have changed. Just a little.

But here, I can be funny. I promise.


A major chain bookstore in Japan. Yes, that says Hard-Off.