Are You There, God? It's Me, Kayoko

Dear God,

Happy New Year!!! Last year you really ripped me a new asshole, so I'm really hoping that you give me a break this year. Oh, but I'm grateful for all the "challenges," really. Thanks.

So what now???? I've found myself back in Cupertino, California. Did you drug me? Was this really supposed to happen? Cause I really feel like I'm 15 years old here, living with my parents, in a town where so little has changed. Except everyone here is Asian!!! What's up with that??? That, and my parents are a little bit more delirious. GREAT!

I wait around for you to hit me with inspiration everyday, something that will get me off the couch and hold my interest besides Ugly Betty and Mad Men and 30 Rock. All such awesome shows, by the way.

This year, I think I'm gonna give online dating a shot. Why not? It would be excellent if any of these three from afore mentioned shows miraculously showed up at my doorstep (cause that's how this dating stuff works, right?).

Gio- a sweetheart romantic with a 5 year plan. And he dances!


Jack- Playful and self-depricating. Although his mother is quite a nightmare so maybe not.


Don Draper- The Silent Ballbreaker. The kind of guy who would tie me up and... leave the house. Isn't that what all women want, deep down? A HOT ASSHOLE???


I'm trying to steer clear of artsy dudes. No hipsters. And certainly no one in search of "magic" this year. I've had enough of that. In return, I'll start shaving my legs regularly, I promise.

And please, I beg you to get me out of my Liz Lemon phase. I embarrassingly relate to her a little too much. Maybe you can tone down my sarcasm, and cynical outlook on life? I've actually started to try being more positive, but I'm not sure I'm convincing anyone.

And I'm trying to double readership for Umami Mart this year- could you make this happen, please? Don't you think it's time for me to be a food writing star???

I'm really trying to stick with my running routine- don't let me lose sight of that!!! I really need to look good for when I run into people here who I haven't seen for 10 years, and tell them I'm jobless and living with my parents.

Maybe I can make a friend or two and move out of my parent's place? Or is this what I deserve for leaving New York? My mom practically puts a gun to my head if I don't hang out with her on the weekends! Have I relinquished my independence entirely? Say it ain't so.

In any case, I know this is a long list full of far-fetched wishes. But you owe me, God! At the very least, maybe we can both get laid this year???? Make it happen! In the backseat of a Camaro, at the Cupertino reservoirs, maybe, just like like all the cool kids were doing in high school???

HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT, GOD!!!

Yours ever respectfully,

Kayoko